Posted By: Jacob_li on
I come from China.
This is my first private blog in this site.
Welcome all the friends to review my blog.
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photos, life, camera, news, pictures
Blog with the tag 'news'
Babies, Boobies, & Bicycles Edition: Ripped From The Newz & Spiked With Loose Screws
Posted By: Kimberly_Watley on
* WELLINGTON — A New Zealand court has allowed a parade of topless porn stars on motor bikes to take their mammary madness to Main Street. The Boobs on Bikes Parade is being protested by none other than the ghost of Dr. Seuss.
He said, "And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street, nowadays, I just can't compete. Porn stars with Harleys and Crotch Rockets too, tell me how men watching hold in their goo. I do not like boobs in the wind. I do not like them on my Schwinn. I do not like those floppy teats. I do not like seeing them blow in the breeze. I will not participate in Boobs on Bikes. And don't even think about Tits on Trikes."
* VANCOUVER — A man was arrested with his 3-year-old son during a nude bike ride. Constable Jana McGuinness said he received several phone calls from people concerned about the child's well-being. Police convinced the man to put some skivvies on himself and the child. But, as soon as the he rejoined his fellow buff biker buddies, he stripped himself and his son of their tighty whities. But before he could break out singing, "Now I'm free! Free Ballin,'" Police arrested the man.
Sources close to the bicycle seat say, "The officers should be awarded for their efforts. Have you seen how well 3-year-olds wipe? Not well. Not well at all."
Sources close to the 12-year-old sarcastic bitch that lives inside of my head say, "Why, seriously? Have you ever gotten road rash on your knee from falling off a bike? Need I say more?"
* JERUSALEM — A 1 pound, 5 ounce baby who was pronounced dead by doctors came back to life after spending a few hours in a hospital refrigerator. Her parents, were taking her to be buried and began noticing some movement.
Sources close to the miracle baby say, "You know, sometimes a baby just needs to chill."
Tags:
babies, news, snl, comedy, boobies
Had it with Olympic Newz Edition: Ripped from the Newz & Spiked with Loose Screws
Posted By: Kimberly_Watley on
* TORONTO — In the wake of a bus attack in Canada, where a man beheaded
and cannibalized another passenger, Greyhound has scrapped a billboard
ad campaign. The ad's punch line was "There's a reason you've never
heard of bus rage." The company believes the ad, launched last year,
could be viewed as offensive or inappropriate, since the grizzly killing.
Sources close to the 12-year-old sarcastic bitch that lives inside of my head say, "You think?!"
* MARATHON — A grandmother was arrested for driving around a parking
lot with a 3-year-old child sitting on the roof of her car. The woman
contends she was, "driving at a snail-speed" and "holding the child's
leg" while she was "giving the child some air and letting her have fun."
Sources close to my grandmother say, "That's the trouble with law
enforcement today. Kids need to be out in the fresh air having fun, not
sitting on their lazy asses playing video games. The police need to
mind their own business."
Sources close to grandmothers everywhere agree, saying, "Move over
Grand Theft Auto! Here comes Granny's powder blue Buick thrill rides."
* HOUSTON — Evangelical pastor Joel Osteen's wife, Victoria is being
accused of behavior that wasn't very Christian-like. Victoria is
accused of assaulting Continental Airlines flight attendant, Sharon
Brown. Brown is suing Victoria because since the incident, she suffers
from anxiety and hemorrhoids... plus her faith was affected, which has
cost her thousands in medical expenses and counseling.
Sources close to lumpy sphincters everywhere say, "Air travel itself brings out the best in us."
Sources close to Sharon Brown say, "How can you have faith in God or religion when your anus is flaring in burning itching pain? There is no God."
Sources close to Joel say, "Halleluiah! I'd like to thank the
good lawd for showing the world that this beautiful wife of mine is
indeed possessed by the devil himself. Amen!"
* NEW
ZEALAND — A 110-year-old tuatara named Henry, is the oldest rare
lizard-like creature ever to mate. After 40 years of abstinence, the
pre-historic creature's caretakers realized that Henry had a cancerous
tumor on his scaly sac. Once removed, Henry has been hitting lizard
bitches up left and right. In March, Henry mated with Mildred, whose
age is estimated between 70 and 80. Last month, she laid 12 fertile
eggs.
Sources close to Henry say, "Who's your daddy?"
Sources close to Mildred say, "We're going to have to go on Maury to be
certain. See, old Henry's eyes sure aren't what they used to be 80
years ago. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, he was hitting the
wrong hole. And I'm a Cougar at heart, so when Henry lay down for an
afternoon nap, I had my way with a 25-year-old tuatara named Troy."
* KNOXVILLE — Multiple emergency service members responded to the scene
of a house explosion. After their arrival, an additional 10 explosions
occurred. Officials think ammunition and fuels inside the home may have
caused the blasts.
This is the third explosion at the same
address, according to investigators. Explosions were reported in
November of 2003, and April of 2001. Both were presumably caused by
propane leaks.
Sources close to the 12-year-old sarcastic
bitch that lives inside of my head say, "If your house has a history of
blowing up, shouldn't you move, or maybe at least not have ammo and
fuel laying around all willy-nilly?"
Tags:
comedy, news, police, hemorrhoids, greyhound
Foot Fetish Edition: Ripped from the Newz & Spiked with Loose Screws
Posted By: Kimberly_Watley on
* ALEXANDRIA — Goodbye PedEgg, hello garra rufa? It's true, the
popular pedicure egg is being replaced. For those with extra cheese on
their feet, the latest in spa pampering is fish pedicures.
The little garra rufa fish, also known as the doctor fish, are set in a
foot bath, where crusty footed patrons allow these hungry little
fishies all the funk their feet can offer. The small toothless fish,
gnaw off all of the dead skin.
First used in Turkey and in
some Asian countries, they are now creating quite a splash in the D.C.
area. Pedicures cost $50 for 30 minutes. The spa employs more than
1,000 fish, with about 100 in each individual pedicure tub.
Sources close to the fish say, "Will work for foot flakes."
One patron said, "I'd been an athlete all my life, so I've always had
calluses on my feet. This was the first time somebody got rid of my
calluses completely."
Sources close to her toes say, "Where is Pinky Toe? PINKY?! Oh God! We've lost another!"
Sources close to the optimistic Big Toe say, "Pinky probably just went wee-wee-wee all the way home. Let's not panic, guys."
* MIAMI — Tropical Storm Dolly intensified in the western Gulf of
Mexico. Dolly is expected to produce total rain accumulations of 4 to 8
inches, with isolated amounts of 15 inches over the next few days.
Sources close to Dolly say, "We are always hopeful for those isolated
amounts of 15 inches. I mean, really. Who doesn't want 15 inches? But
to have the Best Little Whore House in Texas, you need three other
things. First and foremost, big hair in Texas is a must. Secondly, you
have to be wet, I mean really wet. And finally, you need to blow like
no one has ever blown before."
*** Readers, click on view all blogs to comment or read more newz. Also, if you like contests and free stuff, please stop by my other blog: http://nonewzhomefires.blogspot.com/ ***
Tags:
news, comedy, dolly, storm, pedicure
Weekly Wrap-up: Ripped from the Newz & Spiked with Loose Screws
Posted By: Kimberly_Watley on
* GARDINER — Scott Listemann a New York skydiver, is hoping someone will find his lost leg. During a June 14th jump, his prosthetic leg came off. He had posters printed and distributed, asking anyone who finds his leg to call him. He suspects it landed in a wooded area, to be with its own kind.
Sources close to his right leg say, "It's really tough for him. I mean, he used to be a jumper and now, he's simply a hopper. He's damn lucky I'm here, otherwise he wouldn't have a leg to stand on."
If you have any information on the whereabouts of Listemann's prosthetic leg, call 845-452-4743 or 845-255-9538. If you find any other random body parts, please call 911.
* JACKSON — The Mississippi Blood Services is giving free gas to those who donate blood.
Sources close to blood sucking oil executives say, "Prices are going to continue to rise. I would suggest drivers, bite the bullet and fill up before next week, when The Center for Limb Services announces their discount offers."
* GORHAM — An 8-foot-long snake was found by an unsuspecting woman, while doing her laundry.
Sources close to the woman say, "It was a shock, but once the initial fear passed, thanks to Samuel L. Jackson, she found the strength within. She just yelled, 'Get this muthafuckin' snake out my muthafuckin' washer,' amazingly enough, it worked."
* ATLANTA — According to a new government survey, more than 30 percent of adults in Mississippi, Alabama and Tennessee are considered obese. Colorado was listed as the least obese of all the states.
Sources close to southerners say, "We'd weigh next to nothing too if we lived up in the mountains like they do. You know that high altitude is equivalent to walking in outer space. Please pass the gravy."
* EL SEGUNDO — Toy maker Mattel Inc. announced second-quarter profits have been cut in half. The makers of Barbie, Hot Wheels and Fisher-Price toys, said the slow economy has lowered a demand on their line of toys.
Sources close to Ken say, "Barbie is not going to like this, but we all know she is the real reason behind the loss. She has always been a high-maintenance-ho. If Mattel would just cut back on her shoe collection alone, it could save millions."
Sources close to Barbie say, "Suck it, Ken. Shouldn't you be getting your Broke Back Camouflage on with GI Joe?"
Tags:
gasoline, news, snl, snake, comedy