Posted By: lsutiger-girl on
Monday, July 7th, 2008, 5:14 pm
yes, this is my first blog. Actually, my family has a blog on blogspot. It's all iies though. My husband has several famly members who have blogs and manage to update them daily. And so we decided to do a spoof of a blog. So, that one probably doesn't qualify as a "blog" so to speak. That one my husband and kids know about. This one will be my secret. My blog therapy.
I've been thinking about blogging for a while. I have a lot of thoughts in my head that may seem manageable if I just write them down. I make lists all the time. Grocery lists, to do lists, remember what to bring lists. I make lists of diet and exercise routines and bills that need to be paid. But I have all this stuff that goes on in my head and I can't trust anyone with them. So a secret blog seems good. For now.
Today is a good day to begin b/c I got an invitation in the mail. To a reunion. A group of people I grew up with. Gosh, so many memories. Most of them good but.... I remember them as bad memories. I remember having fun but then I remember the one uncomfortable moment that happened and it takes precedence.
Let me start at the beginning. This blog will take a lifetime for me to sort out. My father abandoned the family when I was 5. maybe early 6. I'm the middle child. I don't have any memories of my parents liking each other. And that's a strange feeling when you're growing up. I remember they didn't like each other, my father was always gone or asleep on the couch. That's the two things I remember vividly. And then one day..... poof. He was gone. No explanation. I tricked myself into not thinking about it. I'd tell myself "you're better off with him gone" and even if that is right and fair - and I do still think that - it's hard to figure out why he chose to have no contact. NONE! And so began my mistrust of men. Any man. I had an older brother who was so strange to me. He was sent away - out of state - in high school. No explanation. Once again, poof. He was gone. He returned and was in and out of our house. He was abusive, manipulative and scary. I hated him. Still do. I would push furniture in front of my bedroom door at night I was so scared of him. Once in high school I slept in the car all night. With the doors locked. Because I knew he was in the house. I only did that once. But it made a huge impression on me. I wondered if I'd ever make it out sane.
I did manage to get out. Strange but I wanted to get as far away as I could and at the same time my feet were planted in cement. The world was so big and so scary. And I knew i had no roots. I was all alone with no net. Somehow someway I made it to college and graduate. Yes, graduated college. I had a job after classes at a preschool. I didn't know it at the time - I was merely answering an ad in the newspaper - but the preschool was prestigious in my town. The children had wealthy, highly educated parents. It was a dream job. I loved it. I made $5 an hour and that was way over the minimum wage in 1980. More money than I could make at the mall kiosk. But I was still dirt poor. I would eat lunch with the children and have an afternoon snack with them. Whatever cookies they ate, I ate. Usually that was my dinner. The other teachers would save their coupons to Wendys for me. They'd get their card punch and give me full cards for a free trip to the salad bar. I survived on that. And hot dogs. I could afford hot dogs. To this day I get nauseous at just the thought of a hot dog.
Then I graduated. Got a job. Worked to death. I had a steady boyfriend but he couldn't handle me. ha I was smarter than him, more resourceful than him. He eventually dumped me. And it hurt. I felt abandoned . again. Even though, once again, I knew it was the best thing for me. Once again I was alone. I hate being alone and yet somedays I thrive on it.
Withint 4 years I got married. Now.... I had a college diploma, lots of friends, had managed on my own for 4 years..... and whammo. Out of the blue I get married. It was a giddy exciting time. But my mother hated me for it. She never missed a chance to belittle me. Or my choices. I once asked to borrow $50 and she told me no. Then showed u on my doorstep clutching her purse like it held her life savings. Gave me a check for $50 and acted so snotty about it. I hated her for that.
My mother owned a house that she had been renting. The renters moved out and the house was vacant and had been vacant for several months. I called and asked her if I could move in. I could pay her a little bit of rent but mostly I'd keep the yard nice, the house spotless..... she had the house on the market by them. I explained if she'd just let me do it for 2-3 months I could manage to save up enough money to buy myself a reliable car. She said no. No way. She didn't want me living there. About a year later I found out my sister and her drunk friends had moved in. Whatever.
Over time my relationship with my mother just faded. We went from talking weekly...... to monthly..... to bymonthly. And now, to be honest, the last time I spoke to her was November 1, 2007. yes, that's right. It's been 8 months. I still can't believe it. I could never go 8 months without speaking to my child. Unbelievable. call her, you say. Uh, it ain't that easy. She doesn't want to hear from me I guess. She'll make comments like "good to hear from you" kinda like "why are you bothering me?" I hate calling her. I hate when the phone rings in the mornings. You see she only calls me - when she would call - in the mornings. After her husband leaves for work. So he won't know she called, I guess.
When my first baby was born she began being very distant, smart elic, sassy. She's laugh at serious stuff. She seemed angry. I remember thinking that maybe she feels cut off from her first grandchild. Even though I only live 2 hours north of her. So I decided to make a point to call her every week. But she was always too busy to talk. She'd have this attitude "so, what you need?" Kinda like, I don't have time to just sit and shoot the breeze for 10 minutes. So get on with it.
Let me list a few of the incidences we've had:
Let's see.
My wedding: my mother refused to listen to me. I realize that can happen. I caught her lying to one of her friends about the wedding once. I was shocked. And she knew I'd heard the conversation. I was embarrassed and frustrated with her.
She did not show up at the designated time for family photos The day of the wedding I wasn't sure if she'd even show up at all. The night before I spent the night with a bunch of my girlfriends. Like a slumber party. And it was great. I loved it. My mother was furious. But by that time I'd decided she'd be furious no matter what. So I was going to enjoy this one night as a bachelorette.
The morning of the wedding I called her and she wouldn't speak to me. I hate her for that. I hate her for making that day all about her. My friends were uneasy. It was horrible.
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babies, married
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Orion will be 7 months old in one week and rice cereal is finally being introduced. He doesn' seem to like the spoon. More cereal comes out than goes in. Last night, he couldn't stop wriggling, he knocked the bowl right out of my hand and it landed on his head. This is frustrating. Between Orion spitting out cereal and Skylar throwing food, I think my head is going to explode.
