Tuesday, April 24th, 2007, 7:07 am
I had my first conselling session today, it went ok I think, I didn't really know what to say and ended up spending most of my time crying but I guess I'm supposed to get out how I'm feeling and if I feel sad then the best thing to do is cry. I've another 4 sessions before I move so hopefully that'll help me and I can deciede when we get up north whether or not I want to carry on with it.
Other than that its a nice quiet day, went and taxed my hubby's car then caught the bus back up the hill. Tonight I'm off out with the girlies from work, will be good to find out all the gossip. Spoke to Amy, my boss, briefly yesterday and it sounds like things have all changed so thats good and I can't wait to hear about it. Might see about moving to the Glasgow office, see if there are any postitions available but I still want to work part time so it might not work out.
DH is away at the moment, back on thursday. Its strange getting used to him not being here, over the past 5 months we've spent a lot of time together and I've really started to lean on him. He's on courses down in Pompey and was supposed to be finishing on Friday but because I've got a hospital appointment on Friday they're letting him finish on Thursday instead. A complete bonus for the fella he's on his course with as he's got an extra day off!
On Friday I've got an appointment with a pre-eclampsia specialist, we requested the referal back in January so it feels like its been a long time coming. I really hoped to be pg for when I see the Dr but it doesn't look like I will be, AF is due this weekend and I'm going to do a test on Fri morning but I'm not hopeful. DH was away when I ov'd so its highly unlikely we 'got caught' this month. Think the next few months we can forget about as well as he's away Mon-Fri. Life is such an arse.
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Wednesday, April 11th, 2007, 4:03 pm
So in my quest to concieve again today I tried reflexology. It was very good but quite painful. She seemed to think most of my pains were hormonal and advised me to see a counsellor. She also gave me some oil to rub on my belly, back and feet each night, will have to see if that helps.
Its funny that she recommened me speaking to someone as thats what I was thinking I needed to do also, I've been feeling a lot of pent up anger with no-one to direct it to and I've been really taking it out on DH and its just not fair on him. The doc gave me a number for a counsellor but I begrudge having to pay for it. The only other alturnitive he could offer me was to see one of the practice GP's who specialises in couselling but I wouldn't get to see him for a couple of months which is of no use to me as we move house in about 7 weeks.
Feel quite low at the moment, I miss my baby girl. She would be here with me now and we'd (DH and I) would be grumbling about the lack of sleep and how our lives have changed but secretly loving every minute of it. We'd be a family. We went out for lunch with my folks, my bro, SIL and nephew on sunday. It was so painful, Leo, my nephew, is 14 months and totally the centre of attention. He's georgous and I love being around him, he's totally into everything and is such a happy little boy. It made me sad though as thats something my little girl will never have, I feel we've missed out on so much and she never got to have those happy times. She was the centre of everyone's world for the 20 days she was alive but now I worry that she'll be forgotten about, or rather that people will stop thinking about her. I want to do everything I can to keep her still in everyones minds but I'm fighting a losing battle.
DH's sister is having a baby, she's due in May. We saw her on Saturday, we've done such a good job of avoiding each other for the past couple of months. Me avoiding her because it hurts and her avoiding me because she knows how much it hurts. Anyway we both said we weren't going to be somewhere and both turned up, she looks really good and her bump is massive. I'm so jealous. Its not a very nice emotion and I don't like myself for it. Its just unfortunate that we got pregnant so close together and we lost Katie. I know its something I have to get over and I am looking forward to meeting my neice or nephew, I just wish it wasn't so soon. So soon, it'll be 6 months after Katie was born, I really should be feeling better by now shouldn't I.
It seems everywhere I go there's people with their babies. I called into the libary today and there was a baby massage session going on in the corner. I nip to the supermarket and am forever having to negoitate prams. Life is so unfair.
All I want right now is a time machine so I can go back and work some magic to stop me developing the pre-eclampsia, that my pregnancy had gone according to plan and I'd have my healthy little girl with me now. Second to that I'd be pregnant. The first will never happen and it feels like the second is a long way off. Need to sort my head out first, then my body will let it happen.
Its funny how someone so little can totally dominate your life, even more so as she's gone. My boy still aches for her, my arms are empty without her. I feel as her mummy I never did anything for her, never bought her anything, she never had her room, never saw her home. I cherish the 20 days we had her and if I could groundhog those days I would. I can't move on, I'm not ready to. It hurts how the world around us has. If I could make time stand still then I would. Each day is a day further away from her, I don't want her to be left behind.
I think I might treat myself to a bottle of beer and a good cry now, Marbella Belles is on and thats good for a laugh!
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Tuesday, April 10th, 2007, 3:47 pm
So this is my first ever blog..... not really sure what to say
Its Easter Monday and so far I've done very little today, DH is watching the footie (a key match - Charlton v Reading, if Charlton get beat by more than 2 goals Sheff Utd will go above them and out of the relegation zone!) and I'm spending far too much time setting up my profile, keep making to many mistakes and it took ages to find a photo of me thats half decent. I don't photograph well, as you may have noticed!!!
Time for a cuppa I think.
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Monday, April 9th, 2007, 7:39 am
So its another beautiful day when Katie and I would have been out walking together, another trip down to the post office to try to tax ian's car. Why did she have to die.
I'm confused as well as I don't know if I've ov'd this cycle. I've been using opks but have not had a +ive result yet but I've been having some twinges in my belly, I so hope I have ov'd and its implantation pains. I know its way to early to be hoping for such things and chances are I haven't even ov'd yet but I'm trying to be positive. The reflexology woman said my hormones were all over the place so thats probably whats stopping me from concieving. I want a baby so much and if it doesn't happen this month then we're probably looking at not conceiving for several months as Ian's away mon-fri from monday. Why did this have to happen to us, what have we done that is so wrong to stop us from having our baby. Katie would of had such a good home and we'd of loved her so much. Why did it have to happen to us.
I've booked some counselling but not for another fortnight. It seems wrong to have to pay for it but I don't know what else to do, where else to turn. I don't see how the sands befriender I spoke to can help, I don't want to talk to anyone on the end of the phone, i just want this pain to end, for it to be alright but it can't be, how can it be, my baby has gone. I just want to be a mum to her and I can't. I feel so empty without her. We've no baby and I've not got another one inside me. Ant and Lou are due to have Ruby any day now and then Nic and Kev will have Pip and we have no-one.
I'm scared for next time, that i'll be ill again and we'll lose another baby. I don't know what to do, part of me is saying to stop trying for a while but how can i do that, how can i not be activly pursuing my dream.
I don't think Ian understands, he doesn't have the same desire to be a dad that I have to be a mum. He wants a baby and is gutted about katie but i think he's got a it'll happen when it happens attitude and i can't do that. I can't relax or be relaxed about it all, i just want to be pregnant.
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