Update on me
Hi, just thought I would give you a little update on me!
I was doing quite well, I was starting to feel comfortable on the TTCAL board and I think I may have even managed a whole week without crying!! I even got to the point where I could think about what might have been without turning into a wailing mess!
Then a couple of things happened. Firstly I had a rather heated 'Discussion' with DH in which he said I was making decisions about TTC again without descussing it with him (I can't believe he has forgotton our conversation about it!!!) He said he felt under pressure, that I should be grateful for the things I do have in my life and another baby should come as a result of our love making etc etc. This just made me feel really lonely as he does not understand the profound effect this has had on me.
Then I had some swabs taken and they came back positive to infection (not an STI I hasten to add!!!) Which makes me think the odds are stacked against another baby anyway and maybe we shouldn't bother with TTC and just be grateful for what we do have.
So now I just feel mixed up!! I'm desperatly sad that I won't be pregnant again by the due date of my little angel girl. But at the same time I don't know any more if I want another child if it is going to have to struggle for survival and I don't know how much more heart ache I can stand. I just want my angel back, without all the complications that another pregnancy will have.
At the end of the day, I just feel bitter that everything went wrong in the first place. I should be on maternity leave now, instead I am worrying about making it through the EDD of my angel and whether I will ever have another baby.
BUT even after all of this, my heart does feel lighter. I do still feel sad about it all but the overwhelming sense of loss and greif has eased hugely over the last couple of weeks. The TTC buisness feels liike a separete issue now.
So (if you have made it this far), I just want to give you a word of encouragement. You will not feel this bad for ever, the feelings of insurmountable loss will ease and the sun will shine again for you. I didn't believe at first but it really is true!
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