Sunday, August 26th, 2007, 2:24 am
I've woken up very sad this morning. My EDD was yesterday. I should be snuggling with my new born daughter. I should be marvelling at the miracle of life (and feeling secretly glad that it's another girl because of the whole room sharing thing!) I really shouldn't have a care in the world on such a bright and sunny morning.
I would have loved her so much, but I never got the chance to tell her that. It breaks my heart that I don't even know what she would look like.
Hugs to everyone else who is having a rubbish bank holiday weekend.
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Monday, July 16th, 2007, 5:32 am
Hi, just thought I would give you a little update on me!
I was doing quite well, I was starting to feel comfortable on the TTCAL board and I think I may have even managed a whole week without crying!! I even got to the point where I could think about what might have been without turning into a wailing mess!
Then a couple of things happened. Firstly I had a rather heated 'Discussion' with DH in which he said I was making decisions about TTC again without descussing it with him (I can't believe he has forgotton our conversation about it!!!) He said he felt under pressure, that I should be grateful for the things I do have in my life and another baby should come as a result of our love making etc etc. This just made me feel really lonely as he does not understand the profound effect this has had on me.
Then I had some swabs taken and they came back positive to infection (not an STI I hasten to add!!!) Which makes me think the odds are stacked against another baby anyway and maybe we shouldn't bother with TTC and just be grateful for what we do have.
So now I just feel mixed up!! I'm desperatly sad that I won't be pregnant again by the due date of my little angel girl. But at the same time I don't know any more if I want another child if it is going to have to struggle for survival and I don't know how much more heart ache I can stand. I just want my angel back, without all the complications that another pregnancy will have.
At the end of the day, I just feel bitter that everything went wrong in the first place. I should be on maternity leave now, instead I am worrying about making it through the EDD of my angel and whether I will ever have another baby.
BUT even after all of this, my heart does feel lighter. I do still feel sad about it all but the overwhelming sense of loss and greif has eased hugely over the last couple of weeks. The TTC buisness feels liike a separete issue now.
So (if you have made it this far), I just want to give you a word of encouragement. You will not feel this bad for ever, the feelings of insurmountable loss will ease and the sun will shine again for you. I didn't believe at first but it really is true!
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Saturday, June 23rd, 2007, 2:48 pm
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Saturday, June 16th, 2007, 11:30 am
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Saturday, June 2nd, 2007, 5:29 am
As part of my new plan to be more positive about things I'm going to get back into SCUBA diving! I did my PADI open water course 3 years ago and only managed 1 dive before getting pregnant. You can't dive while you're pregnant and then I was breast feeding and too busy with a new baby to go diving and then I was pregnant again!!
So next Saturday I am doing a refresher dive in the pool just to renew my skills etc and then it will be all systems go!! I might even join the local dive club and see what they are like!
I think it will beneficial to do somthing for myself tat is not child related, baby related or miscarriage related!! I have to get my life back on track again!!
Hope it works!!
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