My first blog post
So, here we go this is my first post. Lets introduce myself. Im Rosie (real name Manda), 35, live in Luton and Ive been married 3 times. Never done this before and not sure what to say. So excuse me if this sounds like drivel.
I have 6 children. 4 from 1st marriage, 1 from 2nd and then theres Amy from my 3rd marriage which is, so far really happy. We were married last August and Ive never been happier.
The last few weeks have been a bit of a strain. A few weeks ago, after having a tooth removed, I came down with a chest and throat infection, and then found out I was pregnant. After taking the antibiotics for that as well as antibiotics for something called "dry socket" to do with my tooth, I lost the baby last Wednesday. Today is a bad day anyway. In 1983 my father died on what would have been his 39th birthday. So with the loss of the baby, and the anniversary of his death today i feel as if im in a dream state and not really with it. My husband is the salt of the earth and bought me some flowers (not plain or self raising). It was nice that he remembered.
Its a wierd thing being a parent. My eldest daughter who is almost 16 is coming home from a visit to my family on saturday. She has her exams and leaves school in a few weeks. Surprisingly enough she doesnt know what the hell to do with her life. At 15 I was told to go and get a job which I did until i fell pregnant with her at 19. Thats all Ive done for the past 16 years. Been a parent. I guess at 19 you are only just starting to find your way in the world and then boom you are responsible for another human being and its an overwhelming feeling. Especially during an argument to be told that you stuffed their life up by having them. As a "person" I just want to back off from her and let her make her decision. Its a shame I cant make her grow up.
As you hit the 30s and are still changing nappies etc.......I sometimes wonder if there will ever be a time when I can just sit back in a chair and have a HOT mug of tea and just take a slow deep breath before the next lot of dire emergencies start screaming for attention. Perhaps thats why Ive not mourned the loss of my baby. I should be honest and say it wasnt the right time or perhaps I knew deep down that my body had had enough and maybe needed a break.
Still I hope what Ive written hasnt offended anyone. A friend of mine went through the same thing I did a few months ago and she still hasnt grieved. She said everyone is different and one day I will mourn but not to feel guilty for not doing so. If it was meant to be Id still be pregnant. However I still have 6 very healthy kids including a very very spirited 14 month old.
Hugs
Rosie xxxxxxx
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