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mellers

mellers
I like laughing, good manners, wit and wisdom. I can't bear bigots or sexism from either side.

mellers's Blog

Why I am so rubbish

Wednesday, October 1st, 2008, 11:47 am

... I am too selfish.

I was in error in thinking of my own feelings when someone lost their temper with me last week and should have been thinking of how awful it was for them to feel so much anger and resentment. I have a "victim mentality" it seems and as far as I understand it I also "think the whole world is against me".

I didn't know I thought or felt these things until someone at group today kindly told me.

This is why I am so unhappy and I need to stop playing at being a victim or being upset if someone shouts at me.

Glad that's sorted then.

Tags: personality, therapy

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Managed a run today

Tuesday, September 30th, 2008, 12:10 pm

...for 30 minutes without any complaining or injury from any of my joints. Sadly this did not give me the light-bulb moment I was hoping it might and I am still binging.

I know WHY I am binging (I am miserable and food fills an emotional void in my life at a time when I feel helpless, hopeless, deficient and unlovable) so it's not the WHY I need to solve.

I need to stop eating and I need to stop it NOW, so it's the HOW which eludes me.

And before anyone suggests I live alone, I've tried that and ended up in hospital - and at that time I was, as at a rough guess, ever-so-slightly less mentally unwell than I am right now. Given that I actually feel worse right now that I did when I went in to hospital, solitude is not something I can handle right now. Sadly right now solitude would rather unfortunately equal complete cessation.

Bugger.

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Seems like being "laid back" and blase about it isn't working

Monday, September 29th, 2008, 6:35 am

I tried to stop obsessing about my weight this week. I haven't weighed anything, counted my points or kept a tracker. I was hopeful as a lot of people tell me I should be more laid back about doing points and I shouldn't stress about it so much.

I'm sad to say that it didn't really work. I have gained a pound this week and am now even further away from getting back to goal after my horrendous holiday gains.

Matters haven't been helped that after a MASSIVE row on Friday I have spent the weekend BINGING and even though today is the start of a new WW week I can't seem to stop. I just don't care about myself at the moment (I am so miserable) that I am DESPERATE to get some feelings of well-being as I eat. Of course that sort of behaviour is so counter productive as I feel guilty, wretched, weak and a failure, but after 4 days solid of insomnia and emotional hurt I feel so awful that I really need some serotonin in my blood stream.

I've already fallen off the wagon this morning after having tried to stick to a bowl of porridge and frankly want to stuff myself so I don't feel any pain any more. How do I stop?

Tags: gain, weigh in, unhappiness

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trying to relax about it

Friday, September 26th, 2008, 4:59 am

My weight is a constant source of anxiety for me. I stress about it on a weekly, daily and hourly basis and it's not good for me to be like that.

So since I came back from holiday 2 weeks ago (where incidentally I managed to put on 16 pounds in only 14 days) I have been trying a different tactic.

I usually am VERY particular about sticking to my points and "tracking" what I eat. I often have as few points as I am healthily allowed on the Weight Watchers plan (14 a day) rather than the 17 I am actually allowed and being fastidious to the point of anal retention in writing EVERYTHING down as soon as I eat it so I don't lose track of where I am. Ok so it's worked for me in terms of "BEING ON A DIET", but I think there comes a point where I have to stop thinking of myself in that way and start thinking of it as a way of eating for life (which sadly it will HAVE to be).

So to that end, since I've got home, I haven't tracked my points AT ALL. I have tried to stick to roughly 14-17 points a day and have freely allowed myself to eat as MUCH as I want during festivities and social occasions. And trust me, as much as I want can be, and is a MASSIVE amount. I figure I can have that sort of leeway, as I don't actually have any close friends and going out is a rarity for me.

So is it working, well last week I lost 4 pounds despite having 3 social functions (yeah - what was that all about? - this new am-dram group I have joined have been having A LOT of stuff going on lately!). This week, I'm not sure... Time will tell on Monday when I weigh but I am hopeful.

Tags: tracking, weight watchers, social eating

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All the leaves are brown, and the sky is grey

Wednesday, September 24th, 2008, 9:26 am

..and Autumn it seems is in full swing.

Last week (Wed & Thurs) heralded a decided nip in the air of an evening and I was glad to have my 13-tog winter duvet on my bed. This week, I have seen the leaves falling from the trees and the local council performing their thankless and never ending task of trying to clear the roads of them. The "summer" border in my back garden - usually at it's best from June to August - is starting to look shabby and withered (and in need of a good Autumn clear-out - but that's another story) and most telling of all, I had to get my gloves out and wear them while cycling to my therapy appointment and later to go shopping too.

Summer has finally left us behind it seems but it's a shock because less than 2 weeks ago I was sitting in 35 degree temps in the South of France. How quickly the seasons change these days, maybe I'm getting old or maybe it's just wishful thinking that summer should be longer or warmer than it actually is.

I'm finding myself thinking of gardening quite a bit at the moment which in a way seems a positive thing. It's one of the things I have found I have to stop doing completely at times when my depression is at its worst. The fear and panic of such an awesome and gigantic task paralyses me in to inaction in the most counter-productive way possible. The last 2 therapy sessions I have attended however seem to indicate that I am making progress and even though Angela went off on one again this morning as something I said, it seems clear to me on this occasion that the insecurity is with her and not in what I said. It still upsets me though.

I'm wondering if I should have a "gardening" year next year instead of having any holidays at all. This year, I abandoned the garden through fear and panic but also because not having vegetables growing, meant no ties and commitments. Having seen what a disaster trying to vacation with the guy I share a house with WAS for my mental health, I can't help wondering if I would be better off staying at home next year and devoting my time, energy (and of course the money I would save) to the house and garden rather than wasting it spending 4 weeks with someone I can bear to be with. It's a tempting prospect but I need to make sure I don't feel like I am missing out.

Tags: holidays, gardening, seasons

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