Sunday, March 30th, 2008, 1:50 pm
I really hope I'm not going to be offending anyone here, but someone asked a question today, which really got me thinking about my own beliefs.
I was brought up to be a Christian. I was baptised and encouraged/instructed/forced to go to church as a child. I never got as far as being confirmed as even at the age of 13 or so there were many things I found objectionable about organised religion in general (not specifically Christianity).
I have found that my scientific and logical leanings have meant that I struggle to believe in the existence of a god. My own sense of what I believe is right and wrong means that I really do dislike the way that some (although of course not all) people use religion as an excuse to be crappy to each other. I also heavily resent the guilt that it forced upon my mother from a young age and which she felt duty bound to pass on to me in the name of being a good Christian.
At the age of 40 it has left me with a profound sense of "what's it all about?" and was probably a significant factor in my struggling to feel that my life had any purpose whatsoever as I struggled to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to have children. I think if I could have had some spiritual convictions when I was at my lowest ebb, I wouldn't actually have got so far as to feel suicidal. But I didn't, so sadly ..... I did (IYSWIM).
Having put my suicidal thoughts behind me, I am STILL looking for a deeper and more meaningful spiritual connection to the world around me (both the planet and the people on it). Over the last few months - especially since I discovered that there is such a thing as 'pagan and wiccan beliefs' when iVillage launched that very board - I too have wondered if what I believe is close to being pagan and or wiccan. I love the planet and the earth, more than I care about some people. I care deeply abut the state of the planet, and do everything I can to recycle and reduce my carbon footprint and get closer to nature.
The trouble is, I still have that logical part of me which say that our galaxy, solar system, planet and in fact all life on earth was all a series of coincidences played out over billions of years which have simply evolved as they have, because that's what the laws of physics say that in this set of circumstances, that's EXACTLY what would happen. I don't believe in a higher power and sadly although I do believe in the power of individual faith and belief to affect physical health and achievements, I don't believe in spells and crystals. I wish I could.
I am a believer in "what goes around comes around" also known as Karma in some religions but again see it simply as the logical extension of any given set of circumstances. I think that "do as you would be done by" is one of the most important rules to live your life by, along with "walk a mile in another man's shoes" & "we're all different so different ways work for different people and our very differences make the world a very special place".
I also think it's important to respect what other people choose to believe (even if I completely struggle with it myself) not least of which because spiritual beliefs can be a source of such great comfort, hope and help in times of need.
I am also starting (very gradually) to be honest about what I think and believe and to say so in such as way as doesn't hurt anyone else (not sure if I'm getting that bit right yet tho').
I wish I could however believe in ghosts and spirits. The sad thing is there are specifically two people who I have known who have died, and their passing has been of immense relief to me. It would be incredibly disconcerting to me to think that they are now and forever more watching over me in the same harmful way that they did when they were alive and I am not sure how to reconcile that thought with the more positive experience I have seen others feel with the spirit world.
I would DEARLY love to know more about pagan and wiccan beliefs, but I've been too concerned that me posting on that board that "I don't believe in this and that" would mean that I can't really embrace it. I'd love to know if what I feel is appropriate for that board and I suppose I'd like to know if that's what I am....
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thoughts, religion, wiccan, pagan, beliefs
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Saturday, March 29th, 2008, 5:47 pm
Well, it's only taken me 40 years but I think I've finally got around to getting a bra that fits properly. And boy WHAT A DIFFERENCE!
I have to say girls that I've always had trouble finding comfy ones in normal shops like M&S etc. 20 years ago when I started needing them anything above a D cup was just unheard of, so even though I needed something with a bigger cup size, that's what I got - (coz that's all there was) a D cup.
Of course when I started putting on weight, finding ones to fit me at all was a real problem, and even when the likes of Tesco and Asda started to sell up to DD, and even E cups, sadly I was beyond that, in my morbid obesity of hugeness. I couldn't face up to measuring myself (I was in MASSIVE denial) and I couldn't possibly have undergone the humiliation of the shop assistant measuring me, huge as I was, so I spent most of my 20's and all of my 30's in the biggest thing I could find in a normal shop a 40D, going up to a 42 when Tesco started to stock them about 4 years ago.
Today, I did a really brave thing (for me anyway) and went in to a PROPER BRA shop. I'd measured myself beforehand across the chest at my widest and narrowest and worked out what my proper size should ACTUALLY be, and blow me down, if it wasn't EXACTLY the best fitting of all of them. I've now gone from wearing a 42D to my actual correct size of 36F, yes that's 3 back sizes SMALLER and 3 CUP sizes BIGGER - AT THE SAME TIME.
The difference in my profile is frankly amazing. It's like I've had breast up-lift surgery. They've actually gone UP by about 3 inches - even partner (the MOST blind person of all when it comes to noticing things could see it). I was SO IMPRESSED by this new bra that I bought TWO of them and REFUSED to put my old one back on when I came out of the changing room (it's gone straight in the bin along with all my other wrong sized ones) I wore it home and don't even want to take it off now it's so comfy.
The moral of this story girls - get yourself measured properly for a correct fitting bra - or do it yourself: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A4455272 and give your confidence a 100% boost and save yourself £10,000 on a boob job.
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bra, bargain, fitting, confidence
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Wednesday, March 26th, 2008, 12:30 pm
...but it seems I've been nominated for an iVillage award. I got an e-mail a couple of weeks ago to say that I had made a short list for Slimmer of the Year in the first iVillage Community Awards. Anyway, I got a second e-mail a few days ago to day that the panel decided I should win the category.
Anyway, (rather unlike me I have to say as I can't usually shut myself up from chipping in anything and everything which crosses my mind) I'm rather stumped for words as to how I feel. I'm still a bit bewildered and shell-shocked and I'm struggling to work out how I actually feel let alone put it in to words. Please forgive my reticence. There a niggling thought that I don't deserve it or there are people more worthy than me who quietly go about their lives, not getting awards for doing exactly what I have done. In fact, I'm sure there are more worthy people than me, but I am trying not to let my low self-esteem win this particular battle.
It does seem however, that more than one person nominated me, (which does help me believe that maybe it wasn't all a big mistake) but that I won't find out who they were just yet, if at all. I don't quite know all of what they said but a few snippets of nomination e-mails have been included on the award page here:http://www.ivillage.co.uk/ivillageuk/comm/articles/0,,5252 71_7147202,00.html
There are a few prizes:http://www.ivillage.co.uk/ivillageuk/comm/articles/0,,5252 71_714124,00.html so and as 2 them include travelling to London to claim them, I may have to save up my pennies for the train tickets!
Speechless Mellers, doesn't happen very often. Make the most of it!
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award, shell shocked, winning, speechless
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Tuesday, March 25th, 2008, 2:59 pm
It seems that in estimating a gain of approximately a pound a day, I was actually being overly optomistic. I weighed in this morning at 9 stone 11lbs - a whopping 7 lbs (YES - HALF A STONE) heavier than last week after only 4 days of indulgence over Easter.
Not Fair! lol!
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weigh in, indulgence, weight gain
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Thursday, March 20th, 2008, 3:23 am
I'm off in my camper van today for a long bank-holiday weekend to a Camping and Caravanning Club site that partner and I have been to before and liked very much: http://www.siteseeker.co.uk/aspx/details.aspx?id=7170
Peaceful and quiet on the edge of Dartmoor, there are country lanes, cycle paths and walks everywhere and I can't wait to get out and about again for the start of the new camping season! The local National Trust site of Lydford Gorge is also worth a look: http://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/main/w-vh/w-visits/w-findaplace/ w-lydfordgorge/
We're off this afternoon and I'm determined to let my hair down a little with regard to my diet just for a few days. I have a selection of my favourite cakes, a few chocolates, various French cheeses and more than one (but I'm not saying exactly how many coz it's almost shameful! lol!) bottles of wine.
Don't worry though, it won't be ALL indulgence. We take our bikes and I'm planning a couple of short runs and at least one 20 mile cycle ride. I'll see you all again (a few pounds heavier) on Monday!
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