Monday, October 6th, 2008, 2:01 pm
I weighed in this morning, one pound down on last week but still no closer to giving a damn about myself or feeling like I have the courage to get properly back on the plan.
For the last 3 days the words "You'd better go and have your binge hadn't you" have been ringing in my ears and I am at a loss for how to rectify that state of affairs. I don't know why I was expecting some sort of support when I admitted how low I was feeling to him on Friday night, he never knows what to say or how to say it, but I suppose I wasn't expecting that kind of venom.
Anyway, I don't feel like I DESERVE to be eating healthily at the moment. I feel like a huge fat failure and can't even bring myself to care about the state of my diet.
It feels wretched, but that's probably becasue it is rather. I don't deserve any sympathy or hugs or commiserations either.
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low, desperation
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Sunday, October 5th, 2008, 4:10 pm
... have to say that I haven't dealt with the solitude very well so far. I've gone over my points by binging so far on both days this weekend, so I'm not exactly feeling very proud of myself on top of feeling rather fearful of the lonliness.
Not sure about the best way to deal with the next 20 days, but eating seems to be the solution which comes naturally. Juts wish is wasn't so bad for my health and well-being.
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Saturday, October 4th, 2008, 5:53 am
So as of 7:30 this morning I am all on my own for the next 3 weeks. The guy I share my house with has left to fly abroad this morning and will be away until 23rd October.
I have the place to myself at last and as predicted, I hate it already. I am bracing myself to go out shopping this morning as there are some food items I need but I really would much rather stay under the duvet for the next 20 days and just hibernate.
The chill in the air isn't helping of course but my low self-esteem won't let me put the central heating on just for me. I am my own worst enemy sometimes! lol!
Thank heaven for TV, PVR and the net.
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solitude
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Friday, October 3rd, 2008, 3:35 am
2 days ago, I went for my gym induction and was really pleased to manage a 30 minute run straight afterwards on the treadmill - INJURY-FREE!
It was raining outside at the time so I was really pleased to have found this alternative for the "crappy weather" days. Mind you I had just cycled for half an hour in said rain (and the dark - it was 6:45 in the morning!) to get there, so it's not a complete solution for avoiding getting wet altogether, but at least I got to run and neither my hip, nor my knee gave me gyp. I am rather relieved about that.
I didn't do any of the other equipment that time (I would have run out of time to be able to get showered and to my class on time), but I DO like the idea of the cross trainer which the instructor was saying is a good NON-impact cardio-vascular machine. It seems to mimic the running action with (as she put it) "no joint impact". This could be really good for me either to stop me getting the injuries I seem to be overly susceptible to or to maintain my fitness when I do get them.
After the run, I found it incredibly WEIRD when I got off and started walking on stationery ground. My brain couldn't seem to cope and for 20-30 seconds I felt like I was still on moving ground. Really bizarre. I wonder if anyone else gets this......
Yesterday, following a boardie's suggestion of closing my eyes before I got off, even through I stood still for about 5 seconds with my eyes closed the dizziness carried on for at least a good minute until I was well in the changing rooms!
Think my stupidly low blood pressure may not be helping and I may just have to wait for it to pass each time! It's a small price to pay for being able to run at last!
Anyway, my last run was........... pretty good again (for me anyway! lol!).
30 mins, 4.5km at an avg of 9kph on the treadmill at the gym. It FELT harder than last time, but I'm not sure if that was because I had forgotten my i-pod and had to run without musical inspiration which I REALLY missed.
My heart rate was up in the 140's so whilst I have been able to complete these times and distances it shows I am really having to push myself a lot harder than the heady days of when I coudl manage that sort of time/distance with a HR of 125. Still, If I can amange to run 3 times a week from now, there's no reason why I can't regain my fitness and try to complete the 10k programme I started so long ago but have stumbled with TWICE now!
Slowly but surely that's me! I'll get there in the end
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running, treadmill, i pod
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Wednesday, October 1st, 2008, 11:47 am
... I am too selfish.
I was in error in thinking of my own feelings when someone lost their temper with me last week and should have been thinking of how awful it was for them to feel so much anger and resentment. I have a "victim mentality" it seems and as far as I understand it I also "think the whole world is against me".
I didn't know I thought or felt these things until someone at group today kindly told me.
This is why I am so unhappy and I need to stop playing at being a vitim or being upset if someone shouts at me.
Glad that's sorted then.
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personality, therapy
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