Friday, October 19th, 2007, 3:32 am
Oh my god it seems to have been a really long week and thankfully I've made it to Friday. I had a really bad day on Tuesday caused by people not doing what they promised to do and I finally decided that these people have worn me out. I have been harrassing them for weeks about one thing or another and I was finally reduced to tears, at my desk, at work and that was it. I have enough stress coping with my unreasonale depression which has decided that it wants to take centre stage and also with my JC's imminent chemo session and generally worrying about that without these incompetent imbeciles creating more.
I am getting desperate for a break and some me time but being this time of year, holiday is in very short supply - 1 day left, situation desperate! I just want to rest and recharge and get some sort of normality back into my life, which at present is as far from normal as I am from being slim!
Oh and thats the next thing - fat! Everywhere I look there is food - in magazines, in books, on TV and now while eating breakfast they have pictures of fast food on GMTV - I mean come on - how is a girl to stop thinking about food when everywhere she looks - there it is! Constantly in your face until it is literally in your face and beyond the point of no return! This healthy eating lark is all well and good but the thought of eating something nice an unhealthy is always looming in the background, waiting until you are a little vunerable - and then wham! It hits you and you end up with a ton of chocolate in your chops, eyes closed and close to the point of ecstacy and then the guilt kicks in - you suddenly open your eyes, realise what you have done and then the feeling of sickness overwhelms you but in the back of you mind there is a little viouce saying, well you have almost finish the bar, the damage has been done, you might as well finish it and then restart the eating plan tomorrow, after all on blip won't hurt! But you have to then admit to yourself that this isn't the first blip this week, infact nearly everyday has been a blip - the whole weeks has been one big fat blip - or should that be blimp!
At least I made it to the gym this week - although the bag of revels sort of smoothered any good it had done but the thought was there - and after all - its the thought that counts!
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Tuesday, October 9th, 2007, 8:18 am
I felt brave today and thought I would take the plunge and post on my depression site I joined where I bared my depressed soul! Its hard to admit to stuff like that but I felt like I was among friends and that threy wouldn't judge me. I don't know how many of the members are bipolars, I don't know anyone with it and therefore feel like others don't really understand that it is not caused by something but it does react to stuff.
My parents have found it the hardest to deal with, as this sort of thing was either non-existent in their time or simply not discussed, and for the unlucky few, it got them locked away. You just got on with things then. My dad can't understand why I am depressed (despite my rocky life so far since leaving the family nest) and thinks I should just pull myself together and get on with it. If only it were that simple hey! 90% of the time I am absolutely fine. In fact I have only had 2-3 days off work because of this thing which controls my mind at will, which I personally think is damn good going. My motto has always been I have it, it doesn't have me, but I think I may have to adjust that to I have it, but it sometimes takes the lead!
My partner, bless him, despite having a terrible illness himself, which he knows at some time will cut his life short, has been so supportive and is now taking an interest in helping me find out more about it and how I can try and regain control. Its his illness that has brought out the recent bout and I am simply not coping. I feel a deep sadness for the majority of the time, unless I am with friends and have often of late been found in my car in the car park just sobbing! I feel a loss already and the poor guy is still with me - the only way to describe it is its like mourning but theres no body. Stupid I know especially considering that I am generally a positive person. Yet when this thing strikes all logic and reason go out the window and I plummit into my darkness for a while until I can see alight again.
I also today admitted to both myself and those on the board that I self harm. I never really thought what I was doing was self harming but now it has been pointed out to me, I can see that thats exactly what it is. I pick until craters are left and if they are lucky enough to be allowed to heal, theyleave discoloured scars. I was brought to my attention this weekend when John was watching me and he said that as I picked my most recent victim and it started to bleed I actually gave a sign like a sigh of relief. So have to try hard to stop this and need to use will power, its either that or I chop my hands off - but thats just not practical.
I do try not to be all doom and gloom and am generally a cheerful chappess but at times, I just don't feel like smiling, laughing or even talking. I just need my time to do whatever I need to do, whether it be blog, post or cry.
Still thats me done for now - just fouond this penguin which made me smile:
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penguin, sad, brave, depression
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Monday, October 8th, 2007, 7:56 am
Oh my god - I never seem to have enough time to take a real good look around this site. I seem to find new things all the time. There's groups to join, friends to make, information to find - so many things to do and so little time. I have already made a couple of really good friends in just the short time I have been on here and hopefully more will follow. But its spending the time on here to look and seek like minded people out. What with juggling a full time job, housework, partners hospital visits in and doing me time things/hobbies - I am running of time and I need so much more.
I spend my lunchtime looking, replying but with so much to share with people and so many questions to answer, I only ever seem to get time to do a couple - must make a note to myself - either stop writing epics or learn shorthand! I used to love writing to people, I think at one point I had 1-4 penpals and I used to write hand written letters to each of them, there was none of this copy and pasting malarky you get these days - thats takes the fun out of things, and often its the personal things that make each friend special. Everyone is an individual so should be treated as such, else whats the point in having them in the first place? Has anyone else got any hints or tips on how overcome this time management problem? Other than giving up sleep - ok for a couple of days but then become a little bit of a problem when you fall asleep at your desk, you headbutt your keyboard and endup with an assortment of letters embossed on your forehead!
I have about 10mins left of my lunch so am off to search the boards.
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Thursday, October 4th, 2007, 7:48 am
Hi welcome to my hub
I hob that you enjoy having a peak at my profile and decide to stay a while for a natter. I am looking to make new friends, share the highs and lows of life and to have some fun. So if this appeals to you - drop me a line and I'll be in touch
Fi
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