Thursday, August 21st, 2008, 5:13 am
Great Britain's spectacular success at the Beijing Olympics has come as something of a surprise - not least to all the British journalists who are struggling to find anything to moan and groan about.
There have, however, been one or two crumbs of comfort for the beleaguered hacks, many of whom have grown tired of reporting good news for almost two weeks now.
Indeed, I wouldn't be surprised if one of our lovely tabloids published a two-page spread on 'broken Britain' following two potty-mouthed outbursts from British medal winners.
First, windsurfer Bryony Shaw got rather too excited during her (live) post-event interview, declaring she was 'f***ing happy' to have won bronze.
Then, 24 hours later, gold medal-winning sailor Iain Percy, who was also speaking live to the nation, said: 'I'm on top of the f***ing world!'
(Gasp, tut, finger-wag)
Surely there needs to be some kind of independent inquiry?
I mean, performance-enhancing drugs are one thing, but swearing? That's just a step too far (even though one of them was a sailor and it's not so bad when posh people swear).
It remains to be seen whether 'sweargate' will render Britain's entire Olympic effort as an unmitigated disaster.
Meanwhile, Bryony Shaw and Iain Percy are said to be preparing hand-written apologies addressed to the British people and The Queen.
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Tuesday, August 19th, 2008, 4:56 am
I suppose we shouldn't be too surprised to hear that, according to reports, Madonna went all sulky at her recent 50th birthday bash.
We've all been there: little girl has birthday party, wears her favourite frilly dress, gets loads of presents, eats loads of jelly and ice cream, but then has a little tantrum when she doesn't win pass the parcel.
And while it is unclear who emerged victorious in the pass the parcel stakes last week, it would seem Madge was a bit browned off by the people who failed to show up.
Reports suggest Gwyneth Paltrow and Stella McCartney - who were both expected to attend - were among a number of celebs washing their hair instead.
According to The Mirror, Madonna told her guests in a speech: 'I'm really disappointed. There are a lot of people who are not here tonight, but thanks to everyone who did make it.'
Great way to make your guests feel wanted Madge...
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Friday, August 1st, 2008, 5:32 am
Karl Marx and John Major are among figures from the annuls of history who have spoken of a 'classless society' and, while it's fair to say there's not much in the way of class when it comes to Jordan, the enormous breasted one has unwittingly sparked the debate once again.
Poor old Jordan really likes horseys and really really wants to join in with all the posh types prancing around in jodhpurs and talking about their au pairs but, it would seem, they're not that keen on her.
Mrs Andre wanted to 'be seen' at a prestigious society polo event recently - The Cartier International at Windsor - and even dipped into her new money to the tune of £6,000 for a table.
But she was left disappointed when, according to the BBC, she was told by organisers she was 'not the type they wanted there'.
Ouch.
A devastated Jordan said: 'It's pure snobbery. However good a horsewoman I am, I'm also a glamour model. That embarrassed them.
'All my life I've been surrounded by horses, I earned my pocket money sweeping out stables.
'I've even been invited to take part in the Horse of the Year Show.'
Well she'd get my vote.
Seriously, I'm finding it tough taking sides on this one.
Either I go with the elitist toffs who live off daddy's money and think the likes of Jordan were born to serve them Pimm's or I go with the orange-skinned air head who has come into a bit of money herself and therefore wants to join them.
Really can't decide...
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