Tuesday, July 29th, 2008, 4:52 am
Rarely a day goes by without a Z-list celebrity releasing a book designed to boost their profile. And, almost without fail, said publication is not worth the paper it's written on.
It's a grubby little process - even by today's standards - with the reality show contestant/glamour model/footballer/footballer's wife (delete as applicable) shamelessly and desperately promoting their latest piece of 'me' advertising.
Which is why it was refreshing to read that one of the most pointless celebrities ever to walk the earth, Abi Titmuss, attracted a grand audience of three for the launch of her book The Secret Diaries Of Abigail Titmuss this week.
Apparently, it's all about who she's slept with and that kind of thing. So presumably just a really really long list of men's names...
Abi's rather disappointing result (she was hoping for double figures) comes a matter of days after that other literary genius, Jordan, dropped the bombshell that she does not, in fact, write the novels that have made her quite a lot of money.
She is quoted as saying: 'I'm not going to lie, I don't sit there with a typewriter and write it, of course I don't.
'I say how I want the storyline to be, each chapter is done, I read through it. change it and then it goes away to be written.'
Well I never! And here was I thinking we had another JK Rowling on our hands...
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Monday, July 21st, 2008, 5:17 am
Let's face it, there's some complete tosh being produced in the world of film these days but if Jordan has her way, we could end up seeing the film to end all films.
Yes, the balloon-chested one is keen to make a movie even more pointless and nauseating than Spice World.
Not only does she want to make a film about her life, she has already decided who should play the lead role!
She said: 'I do really want to do a film about my life. I'm thinking Angelina Jolie could be me and Keanu Reeves for Pete.'
(And presumably Gareth Gates could be in it as himself?)
Apart from Angelina Jolie and Keanu Reaves - not to mention anyone in Hollywood - not having a clue who Jordan is, I foresee two major obstacles in the way of making 'Jordan The Film':
1. Everyone knows the story of her life already
2. No one gives a toss
Having said that, Channel 5 might be interested...
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Wednesday, July 16th, 2008, 5:07 am
Have you ever thought you had someone sussed and, all of a sudden, they pulled something out of the bag that threw you right off the scent?
Step forward Victoria Beckham.
Apparently, far from being a camera-hogging, attention-seeking preener who has made a career out of pouting in over-priced dresses, poor old Posh is, in fact, a shy and retiring type who really doesn't like all the attention at all.
Well blow me down!
Speaking to Allure magazine, she said: 'I'm not the kind of person that stands there and loves the attention.
'It might look that way, but it makes me very, very nervous.'
Aah, diddums.
She added: 'I don't have a stylist. I deal with that side of things myself. If I need accessories, I'll go get them myself.'
Anyone else detect a faint whiff of bull***t in the air?
Next she'll be telling us she's a tortured soul/manic depressive/flawed genius blah blah blah.
Tomorrow, Jordan speaks to us about how she's actually a total prude and hates wearing revealing outfits.
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Monday, July 14th, 2008, 5:37 am
We've all seen celeb relationships break up and we've all shed a tear...
Brad and Gwyneth, Brad and Jen, Tom and Nicole, Jordan and Gareth Gates.
We all thought they were for keeps, the perfect match made in heaven (or a spaceship in Tom's case), but they all fell apart, shattering the dreams of millions.
Today, another devastating blow for the old romantics among us - Lembit Opik and Gabriela Irimia have split up!
Lembit, of course, is the Lib Dem MP while Gabriela is one half of the Cheeky Girls, whose hits include the epic The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum).
Perfect symmetry you might say.
But, I'm sad to report, the strain of life in the limelight has taken its toll - Lembit apparently finding it increasingly difficult to combine his work as an MP with the demands of dating a global megastar.
Gabriela, meanwhile, is said to have suffered a bout of writer's block recently and has temporarily shelved work on the Cheeky Girls' forthcoming album, provisionally entitled 'Bum Touching and All That'.
The couple - rather unfairly if you ask me - were constantly having to fend off suggestions that their relationship was really really weird and things came to a head recently when Gabby stormed off after a particularly heated row.
I do hope they can patch things up although Lembit may find some comfort in the fact that the other Cheeky Girl looks and sounds exactly the same...
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Thursday, July 10th, 2008, 5:07 am
Chris Martin is turning into a bit of a precious little article.
Last month he went all flouncy and walked out of a BBC interview after the questioner dared to ask about that most controversial of subjects: the title of Coldplay's new album.
Now he's got a bit angry about all the fuss surrounding the issue of celebrities giving their kids stupid names.
Chris, whose two sprogs are called Apple and Moses, said: 'There's nothing weird about calling your baby Chewbacca, if that's what you want to call your baby. It's no weirder than Sarah - it's just that people aren't so used to it.
'People make a big fuss over names - the names of babies, albums, bands, names of people. What everyone forgets is a name is just a noise and if you like it then f**k what everyone else says - that's what it's called.'
Let's hope that argument holds water when Apple takes her first steps in the school playground.
Chewbacca Martin...
It's got a certain ring to it, I suppose.
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