Friday, May 9th, 2008, 5:42 am
They try their best to be everyone's best buddies, bouncing around, being cute and cuddly, all dimples and smirks, but they keep being made to look like Tweedle Tit and Tweedle Twat by ITV.
It wasn't long ago that Saturday Night Takeaway was implicated in the phone vote scandal and now it has been revealed that the British Comedy Award the duo won in 2005 should have gone to Catherine Tate.
Oops.
A report by media watchdog Offcom described how: 'Robbie Williams was invited to present an award. It was understood that he would be happy [to do so] if the recipients were Anthony McPartlin and Declan Donnelly.
'In order to ensure his attendance, this assurance was given.'
You do the maths.
Ant and Dec have since released an apologetic statement saying how 'appalled' they are by the news, blah blah blah.
For their part, ITV have been fined a whopping £5.68m over its use of premium rate phone lines - coincidentally the equivalent of Ant (or Dec's) annual salary.
But the real tragedy about this tale is that Catherine Tate missed out on the glory of picking up a British Comedy Award and, as we all know, she's not funny anymore so her chance has gone.
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Friday, May 9th, 2008, 5:23 am
There has been more fallout from the double eviction from The Apprentice and this time it's none other than Suralan who is in the firing line!
Jenny Celerier, one of the money-obsessed dullards given the boot, has hinted that Alan 'I started with nuffin!' Sugar needs a booster seat to give him a few more valuable inches during his customary ranting and sneering in the boardroom.
She said: 'I did notice when he got on to his chair he did do a sort of little jump to get on to it.
'It's like one of those children...'
For the record, Suralan is an imposing 5ft 6ins.
He's also outspoken, aggressive and delights in belittling people on TV.
Short man syndrome.
It's a very real condition.
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Thursday, May 8th, 2008, 5:34 am
Like all nauseating morons who try loads of things, fail miserably time after time, then get lucky with one and make piles of dosh out of it (Alan Sugar anyone?), Simon Cowell has been banging on about how he 'did it the hard way'.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
During a break from counting his money, he told Parade.com: 'No one gave me any handouts when I started. I had to work my way up.
'You cannot survive in this business unless you know when you've made a mistake. So I would feel guilty about giving people fake hope when I genuinely believe they have no chance.'
Steve Brookstein, Shane Ward and Leon Jackson were unavailabe for comment.
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Thursday, May 8th, 2008, 5:22 am
Having got rid of the contestants who merely fall into the 'hilariously stupid' category, The Apprentice is getting down to the real nitty gritty - the programme now focusing on those who are equally as devious as they are dumb.
This week's episode saw two particularly unpleasant individuals shown the door by Suralan: 'fiery' single mum Jenny Celerier and Irish marketing consultant Jennifer Maguire.
Suralan 'I started with nuffin!' Sugar, even went as far as to describe Celerier as 'a bit of a snake'.
Celerier's lowest point was when, on the team's trip to the predominantly Muslim country of Morocco, and having been given the task of finding a kosher chicken to bring back, she asked a Halal butcher to 'bless' the unfortunate bird before it was decapitated.
Aah, the force (of complete ignorance) is strong with this one.
The morning after, in a bid to prove they are able to add graceless and bitter to their already unenviable list of character traits, both Jennys decided to spit fury at their ex fellow contestants, branding all the boys 'girls' and moaning about the 'bitchy comments'.
Maguire also declared: 'I definitely did not think he would fire me'. While Celerier said: 'I really believed I'd win the competition. I was very surprised to be fired.'
Following her disappointing and totally unexpected exit, Maguire is said to be considering starting her own grandmother-selling business while Celerier is opening a chain of kosher restaurants in the Gaza Strip.
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Tuesday, May 6th, 2008, 5:32 am
You know your luck's out when you get stuck in a lift.
But if you thought things couldn't get any worse than that, imagine being stuck in a lift in ESSEX!
Surely that is the worst case scenario, I hear you cry.
Now imagine that you are stuck in the lift with nauseating Spice, Geri Haliwell!
That was the terrible ordeal three unsuspecting souls had to endure when a lift jammed at Lakeside shopping centre in Essex at the weekend.
Geri was there doing a signing of her new, totally original and not at all ripped off children's book, and it took firemen an hour to free them.
Three members of the public are now said to be recovering in a psychiatric ward while Geri has moved on to Bluewater to harrass some more young mothers.
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