Friday, August 17th, 2007, 3:58 am
Mum decided to bring him home on the Wednesday as he hadn't come home to say goodbye.
The funeral directors had said about 4pm, so I'd arranged for Ellie Jake and Louis to go to there grandmas at 4. About 12pm we got a phonecall to say they had to bring him home at 2 as they needed the car. I couldn't believe it, I had to shove Ellie and Jake in a neighbours down the road so they didn't see the coffin. Louis was in nursery until 4. Ruby wasn't an issue as she didn't understand.
We waited for what seemed like an eternity and then they phoned to say they were running late for gawds sake. About 2.20 he came home, it was extremely emotional. But also didn't feel right, I don't think my dad would have wanted this. We had to 'retire' to the back garden while they got him in, and they had trouble doing so, so there was lots of banging etc. Then they had to fix him! This is not dignity at all. He had also been dead by now, for 9 days so we could tell he was starting to deteriote but I'll say no more than that.
At four I went round to the neighbours and got Ellie and Jake and then we went to get Louis and Ruby and Johns mum took the older three and I kept the baby. I then went back to mums with Ruby. John came home from work and lots of family arrived to say there last respects. Mum didn't like the quiet in the living room, so she put discovery channel on for him!? Laughable writing it down but at the time it was kind if freaky.
About 9pm me and John went to pick up the flowers, they where lovely, an oasis for top of coffin, a broken heart of the grandkids and a dad of us, all in red and white, and 9 red roses for the elder grandkids to put on top of the coffin during the church service. We took them back to mums and got Ruby and went home. the other kids come home and feel straight asleep. I had a few drinks as I really don't think I could of slept otherwise I got a few hours.
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Tuesday, August 14th, 2007, 4:18 am
passed in a blur, arangements had to be made, whether I wanted to do it or not, I'm the eldest and mum had fell to bits. The coroner was involved as dads death was sudden. He was undecided about doing a post mortem, as although dad had a history of heart problems he had been well. In the end I said to do a post mortem as then at least we would know. Then the tissue people phoned, it was to late for his organs which they could of had. But they asked me for his eyes his legs and his skin. It was all to much and rightly or wrongly I said no.
Wednesday, the results come back confirming it was his heart, the undertaker came out and we decided on all the arrangements and picked his coffin........that was horrendous.
Friday I managed to get the documents back from the coroner to enable us to get the death certificate. I then took his clothes to the funeral place, so they could dress him. We originally thought a suit but dad very rarely wore a suit. So we went for a casual shirt and pants. Friday evening we went to see him. I thought then that would allow to accept it, but he didn't look dead, he looked rarely young and peaceful but it frightened me a bit as I thought he was going to jump out the coffin.
Saaturday I went shopping, I got to the shopping centre and lost the plot. My brother had to come and pick me up and take me back home.
Monday Tuesday don't know what happened but there was always people appearing who hadn't seen him for years which annoyed me but everyone should have the chance to say goodbye. Mum was rarely nasty for a lot of this and even told me at one point I wasn't as upset as her because I still have a husband, and then she screamed at me he was mine mine mine. This really upset me, I felt like screaming back he was my dad, but I didn't.
time to stop will continue it soon
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Saturday, August 11th, 2007, 3:42 am
I haven't wrote a blog on here for ages, but needed somewhere to put my thoughts down as I feel like I'm going to go insane.
I was in work last Monday 30/07/2007, it was almost 12.00, when the door buzzer went and I looked up and my next door neighbour was stood there. Panic immediately set she wouldn't be at my work for any other reason than something had happened. She couldn't open the door so I went round and opened it for her and she said 'Tracy, your dads collapsed, get your stuff'. I ran out of work and there was one of my other neighbours waiting in the car, they wouldn't really tell me anything but we needed to find my mum and then get to the hospital. Mum was shopping and I didn't want to panic her while she was on her own so I told her to wait where she was as I was going the bank for work and I'd meet her for a coffee. Then my sister phoned me and said whats going on I'm with mum so I had to tell her. Anyway I went striaght to the hospital and they got a taxi. When I got there I was shaking so so bad I could hardly speak, I said my dads been brought in by ambulance and give his name. She said he wasn't on the system. He mustn't of arrived yet, but she would go through and check something. I knew then, i just knew......... She then calls me through and just as she does mum and Anita sis arrives. She put us in a relatives room, with a bloody prayer book and a teapot etc in it......I remember screaming whats going on somebody please tell me whats going on. After what seemed an eternity a dr and a nurse came and told us they where very sorry but hes gone.
They took us to see him and I screamed No no no no no, I remember somebody putting a chair under me and somebody else trying to sit me down. And then I ran away from that room, everybody was trying to make me sit down I had to get out. I got outside and tried to phone John but he has no signal in work and it kept saying unable to connect you over and over again, and then my mobile rang and it was John and I was screaming down the phone my dad is dead over and over again. Poor John I really hate the way i done that to him, my dad was like a dad to him.
I kept going back in the room, and I did at various times try to comfort mum, but I wasn't any use to her. And she kept on saying he'll wake up in a minute, turn the fan off hes cold he hated being cold. Eventually we went home and I had to tell the kids, they are devasted they seen him every day, he had dropped them off at holiday club that morning, I had spoken to him about 30 minutes before he died. Why has this happened why do I feel like I'm locked in a bad dream, It doesn't feel real, I feel like I'm watching someone else go through this and sometimes I stop and think omg this is real. But most I'm just numb.
I want him back, I want to phone him up, I want him to pick me up from work, I want him to tell me one of his silly jokes,I want to be a little girl again. I want this pain to go away. I need him he was only 60, he was just snatched away from me and I never said goodbye.
I can't type anymore, I'll finish it later...
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