Sorry...

Three sessions in

Friday, July 20th, 2007, 5:38 am

I haven't been on here for a while because I haven't really known what to say.  My counselling sessions have left me confused and work has been so busy again I haven't wanted to sit in front of a computer again in the evening after spending all day in front of one at work. 

I've now had three prper sessions with the psychologist following my initial assessment.  They've not been easy and I think I probably experience every emotion possible!  We've talked about things I've never talked about before and to just have someone acknowledge that these things weren't normal and that my reaction to them is ok, and just to have someone listen to you without judging.  We've talked about relationships and my need to always fit in and prove myself, my feeling of worthlessness.  One thing that has come out of the sessions so far is how I used to put on a front to people and that how on that day last year when I fell to pieces that person I pretended to be died but now I don't know who I am.  I've spent so long being someone I wasn't that I don't know who I am and now I'm trying to build a whole new person.  I know that I've still got a long way to go but I do feel that I can do this!

Work has been insanely busy again with general workload and covering for people on holiday.  On  Monday I actually stood up for myself and said I couldn't cope with the amount of work I had and asked if some of the other secretary's could take some.  Well that completely backfired on me and there was an argument between my boss and one of the other secretaries who then held me responsible for her falling out with my boss and didn't speak to me for the rest of the day!  I knew that there was a reason why I normally just say yes and then work myself up over what I have taken on.

So after that I've had yesterday and today off as annual leave and it has been so nice to just not be at work!  I had a lovely long lie in yesterday and then went on the hunt for new curtains for the living room.  Today I need to desperately tidy up the house and go shopping as we have friends coming out for dinner tonight and I haven't done any of the jobs I was supposed to do like sort out my car insurance, move my bank account and most importantly book my holiday!

So I'd better get a wriggle on - I will come and write on people's walls over the weekend

Take care

Jo

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Cabin fever

Sunday, July 1st, 2007, 5:38 pm

I feel like I'm climbing the walls.  I haven't left the house all weekend, I've barely even got dressed yesterday, and I feel like I'm going mad (ok more mad then I already am!)  I haven't seen anyone or spoken to anyone other than Pete.  I'm itching for a decent conversation or maybe a humdinger of an argument - whichever happens, I'm not fussy, I just want some interaction with someone, anyone. 

I have read a book today that my sister-in-law lent me ages ago - love is a four lettered word.  I have to say it wasn't exactly my normal choice of reading material - a bit too soppy for me and the ending wasn't a huge suprise.  But given all of that it was actually quite a good source of escape for an afternoon (and it kept me from boredom eating!) 

So that hasn't given me a huge amount to talk about on here.  My thoughts are still filled with my counselling session last week and my next appointment on Wednesday.  I'm trying not to dwell on the subjects discussed last time as that is my way of dealing with things (ie ignore them and hope they go away!)  I have had 30 years of practice and had got it down to quite a fine art - it's only been the last couple of years that this strategy has not worked and has landed me in this mess.  It seems that burying problems is not the way to deal with things.  Hello?  Did I need a psychologist to tell me that?  I don't think so!  In fact I sat there most of the time telling them what my problems were and what I was doing wrong.  So why am I going?  Surely I could just sort this out myself? 

And so the thought process goes on and on, never ending, never giving me a moments peace.  Constantly chattering away in my hed.  God I want them to shut up.  Why won't they just be quiet?  Just for one night, just long enough to get some decent sleep.  Just enough to get me through the next couple of days.  I'm so tired I barely feel human.  I doubt very much I look human. 

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