Sunday, July 1st, 2007, 5:38 pm
I feel like I'm climbing the walls. I haven't left the house all weekend, I've barely even got dressed yesterday, and I feel like I'm going mad (ok more mad then I already am!) I haven't seen anyone or spoken to anyone other than Pete. I'm itching for a decent conversation or maybe a humdinger of an argument - whichever happens, I'm not fussy, I just want some interaction with someone, anyone.
I have read a book today that my sister-in-law lent me ages ago - love is a four lettered word. I have to say it wasn't exactly my normal choice of reading material - a bit too soppy for me and the ending wasn't a huge suprise. But given all of that it was actually quite a good source of escape for an afternoon (and it kept me from boredom eating!)
So that hasn't given me a huge amount to talk about on here. My thoughts are still filled with my counselling session last week and my next appointment on Wednesday. I'm trying not to dwell on the subjects discussed last time as that is my way of dealing with things (ie ignore them and hope they go away!) I have had 30 years of practice and had got it down to quite a fine art - it's only been the last couple of years that this strategy has not worked and has landed me in this mess. It seems that burying problems is not the way to deal with things. Hello? Did I need a psychologist to tell me that? I don't think so! In fact I sat there most of the time telling them what my problems were and what I was doing wrong. So why am I going? Surely I could just sort this out myself?
And so the thought process goes on and on, never ending, never giving me a moments peace. Constantly chattering away in my hed. God I want them to shut up. Why won't they just be quiet? Just for one night, just long enough to get some decent sleep. Just enough to get me through the next couple of days. I'm so tired I barely feel human. I doubt very much I look human.
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Saturday, June 30th, 2007, 10:13 am
This week has possibly been the longest week of my life. Time seems have slowed down and I'm sure this week has lasted a whole month. My appointment on Tuesday has really taken it's toll on me and I've had all sorts of emotions this week that I haven't known how to deal with and that has left me completely worn out. I've not known what to expect when, one minute I can be so angry and the next just feeling so desperate. I've been on the verge of tears nearly all the time and broke down while making a cup of tea (what was that about - it was only a cup of tea?). I've struggled to hold myself together at work and there have been a few times that I have just wanted to scream at someone. And there has also been times when I just wished I could disappear and I have also resurected a few of the things I used to do last year when I was really bad.
Work unfortunately isn't slowing down and I'm finding it really difficult again at the moment. It's also pay review time which is adding to the stress. I really want some time off but all I have got coming up is two days in a few weeks time. I've been on edge all day thinking of the things I have to do at work next week and part of me wishes I could get on and do something now but I'm not going to start on the slippery slope of working at weekends. I need to learn how to switch my self off - from work and my emotions.
The sleep situation hasn't improved any over the last few days either and I'm beginning to feel distinctly like a zombie.
So put the three together and what do you get? A completely wiped out Jo!
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Wednesday, June 27th, 2007, 4:38 pm
Yesterday was my first session with the psychologist. I knew it was going to be difficult and normally I prepare myself to expect worse than what actually happens but not this time. I was really worried about meeting the guy as I know my cpn has talked to him about me and he has given her things to work on with me and because of this I was really expecting not to like him but he was actually quite a nice person. I don't know if that only made the whole experience worse though. He had a trainee with him and she was equally nice but it did make it very intimidating sat opposite them with them both making notes. I was really aware that I was constantly fidgeting and then I became so worried about what they would make of me not being able to sit still but the more I tried not to fidget the worse it got. Eventually all I could do was dig my nails in my hand and hope they didn't notice. It was all a bit predictable and we spent ages talking about what life was like when I was a child - the only thing missing was the leather couch, but I don't suppose you get that on the nhs! After nearly an hour and a half of talking about things I hadn't talked about for years and in some cases not at all I was sent out of the room while they talked about me and decided whether they would offer me any proper sessions. At this point I actually chewed a nail off completely (at least that was one less I could dig into my hand!) but I haven't bitten my nails in at least 15 years.
Well they decided they would take me on and I have my next appointment next Wednesday but I'm really having second thoughts. This appointment left me feeling like my emotions had just gone ten rounds in the ring! All I could do when I got home was to lie on the bed and cry until I hd to go and pick my husband up from work. Unfortunately that meant that the work I was supposed to do at home to make up the time for my appointment didn't get started until about 5.30 and ididn't finish until nearly 9 so with the extra hour I worked yesterday morning and this morning I think I've more than made up for it.
So that, in a nutshell, was my first appointment.
In other news - well actually I don't think there is any other news. The only other things I've done is work, eat and sleep in varying amounts, especially sleep. I feel like I could sleep all day but as soon as I get near a bed all I manage is to sleep for a couple of hours, lie awake for what seems like an eternity before I drift off again the whole cycle starts again. There's so many things going around my head at the moment all fighting for my attention that it's impossible to switch off. And when I do sleep I have the weirdest dreams.
I did manage to get to the gym on Monday evening and running tonight so hopefully that will aid the diet. I have to say though that I think this could have possibly been the worst possible week to start it - I NEED chocolate! But I suppose if I can get through this week then I can get through most things? I'm trying to resist the urge to get on the scales as I know there is a very real risk that I become obsessed again like last year.
So there you go - an eventful week so far, lets hope the rest of it is a bit more mundane!
Hugs to all
Jo
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Sunday, June 24th, 2007, 3:22 pm
Today my sister-in-law came out with her family and we have both decided that we have put on too much weight recently and are going to lose it together. So starting from now we are both on a diet. Thankfully when I went shopping earlier today I didn't buy any little treats - apart from the mini iced fingers for when the family came round which have been devoured! So if anyone sees me sneaking a biscuit or cake please, please tell me no! I really want to shift some of the extra pounds. I have new clothes that are a bit tight that I really want to wear and to look good in rather than someone who is trying to squeeze into clothes a size too small! Plus I'm hoping it will give me a bit of a confidence boost. But I'm already feeling hungry - Im sure it's mind over matter and because I know I'm trying to cut down on what I'm eating I feel hungry. I know I eat more than enough to keep me going and cutting back really shouldn't be a problem - I just need to convince my stomach! I think my real test is going to be at work when people bring in cakes and biscuits (a very regular occurance!) and they are right in front of my desk calling out to me to eat them!
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Thursday, June 21st, 2007, 1:37 pm
What an absolute rubbish day, in fact what a rubbish couple of weeks. Just when I thought I was on the up I seem to be on the way back down again.
Today didn't start well which I knew it wouldn't as I was due to see my cpn. Now I am committed to going to my appointment with the psychologist next Tuesday. I'm actually really scared by the thought of going. I know I need to and that is why I'm going to go through with it, but what if I can't cope with the feelings it brings out? I'm just learning to live again by burying things and ignoring them like I used to but I know that isn't a long term solution. I feel torn between trying to get on with things or trying to (maybe) getting to the bottom of my problems. Plus I'm also sceptical that when someone hates themselves so much is there really anything that can be done to change that? I've not liked myself for as long as I can remember.
The day didn't get any better once I got to work (getting to work is a whole different story altogether!). I'm just not coping with work at the moment and I'm really tempted to ring in sick tomorrow but that isn't going to make things any better and would only serve to make things worse and then I wouldn't want to go back on Monday. I have too much of my own work to do without even beginning to think about the bills I'm going to have to do next week as well as helping people with the new software. I know I've taken on too much but I'm in too deep to do anything about it now other than to just get on and do it. I only have my inability to say no to blame.
To top it off my mum is on her way out now. Don't get me wrong I love her to bits but I just don't have the energy to deal with her now. She takes so much quite often without giving anything back and I could really do with a nice quiet evening in front the tv.
So I'd best get the kettle on and clear the sofa off so she can at least sit down.
One day soon I will get round to writing some messages to people, please bear with me I'm not ignoring anyone I just seem to always run out of time which is also why there has been no pictures recently.
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